Three months ago I left my corporate job to forge my own path as a freelance event manager while I set up my new career as a life coach. While I expected it would be hard, I did not anticipate that just over a month after leaving my job I would have what I now understand (thanks to my new therapist) as a depressive episode. Although, with the benefit of hindsight I see that this was inevitable.
If you already know me you’ll know I lost my parents to cancer when I was 11 (dad) and 14 (mum). Since then I have done a huge amount of internal work, some by choice, some by necessity. Because of this trauma I have spent a lot of connecting with my own spirituality, finding meaning in death and pondering the big questions like what’s the meaning of life and why do “bad” things happen to some while others have a seemingly easy ride? While I can’t tell you why you are here, I have pieced together my own theories that have helped me make sense of my parents passing and allowed me to see the world as the big, beautiful, complicated place that it is. It’s allowed me not only to find the strength to get out of bed in the morning but to want to get up and biggest of all, the ability to look at my parents death not as an unjust punishment but a wonderful gift. Because of it I learnt a lot about myself and the world around me very early on. I am able to connect with the people in my life in a very meaningful way. I have a great sense of empathy and compassion but most of all I understand how lucky I am that I still get to be here, to live on this earth and take advantage of all the beauty and joy that we only access through the human experience. What I didn’t anticipate was that through this work I did to heal, to shift my mindset and find joy again I created a blind spot. I had thought that my grief was done - healed, tick, move on. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that.
For most of my life I have attributed any dark part of me or my life to losing my parents at an early age. Feelings of loneliness, struggling to be vulnerable and have long term romantic relationships, getting out of bed some weekends, fear of being seen, being misunderstood or being rejected. In some way or another I could say it was because this one terrible thing happened that taught me how to act, feel and protect myself. While that’s not completely untrue, the biggest revelation was that it wasn’t just losing them but having them as parents to begin with. As much as I love my parents they weren’t perfect people and there were a lot of ways they parented that left deep scars. Couple that with being a child, not understanding what is and isn’t normal and not being given the chance to know my parents as adults and, well, there was a lot to uncover, digest and most importantly release.
When I left my corporate job in July it was the first time in my life that I was not struggling. My finances were healthy – no debt, no living in my overdraft, actual savings. I was in a long-term relationship with my now fiancé. There were no toxic people in my life, I had true and supportive friendships here in the UK. I owned my property and felt safe in my area. All my baseline needs were met and then some, so it was only natural that those deep seated, unhealed emotions and memories would come pouring out of me now that I had finally given them the silence they needed to be heard. And boy did they make themselves heard. All those years of dismissing and ignoring them came back in a big way.
I could feel something wasn’t quite right, a lethargy, an inability to get motivated and excited but as always, I put it down to something happening outside of myself - a change in my environment and reaction to leaving the comfort of a full-time job. After 4 weeks my emotional and mental body got bored of waiting for me to figure it out and took the lethargy up a notch. I didn’t want to get out of bed, I didn’t want to leave the house. I didn’t want to make dinner, something I otherwise enjoy. I didn’t want to talk to my partner. I couldn’t open my mouth without floods of tears pouring out of me. I felt a huge weight on top of me, wherever I went, whatever I did that I couldn’t escape. Whenever I was asked what was wrong I couldn’t say because I genuinely didn’t know. Nothing had happened, which was true, but something big was happening. And I felt scared.
I saw an energy healer who took me through a guided meditation that helped me to identify that the pain I was feeling was guilt. A voice inside me was telling me I was bad, rotten, wrong and I was constantly looking for evidence to prove it right. When I walked out of that session I cried non-stop for three days. I finally booked to see a therapist and began to get the help I so desperately needed.
When my therapist asked me what I hoped to get out of the sessions I told her I didn’t want to cry anymore, I couldn’t go on feeling like this (through floods of tears, obviously). She told me she could help me and that I would get better. Almost instantly I felt relief. I am VERY pleased to tell you that she was right. It’s been 10 weeks and I struggle to believe that only 10 short weeks ago I could not picture ever being “normal” again. To be able to walk 5 minutes down the road to get coffee and not spend the whole walk hiding behind glasses desperate to get back home to safety. I am quick to remind myself that therapy is not a tick, done exercise. This is a lifelong process. I am susceptible to depressive episodes, but I am now aware of the patterns that got me into that deep dark hole and the tools that got me out.
Through this process I’ve been amazed to learn the tricks that my brain was playing on me to try and keep me small, keep me safe and put me down. It’s been heart-breaking, empowering, terrifying, exciting and calming. Now that I understand my brains game it’s much easier to stop it. I feel much stronger in myself and far braver than I was but in no way is this the end of the journey. One of the biggest lessons I’ve had to learn is to stop putting pressure on myself and that includes pressure to be healed.
This had to happened for me to be the coach I want to be and to help people on the scale that I want to help them. It’s another example of things falling apart so they can come back together better and stronger than you even thought possible. I’ve had to surrender wholly and completely into trust, patience and divine timing which ironically was my last post before I fell (temporarily) to pieces. The universe has a sense of humour.
I’ve done a lot to get myself to this point these last few weeks from therapy to prana healing, reiki, yoga, cycling, nature healing and breathwork. I’ll share as much as I can here in case it helps you to deepen your connection with yourself, reveal your unhealed wounds and build a strong foundation so you can be the person you want to be, because you absolutely can.
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